RESOURCES / FAMOUS QUOTES
Private Plane – Scene 4: In the trench
Flashheart Ha! Eat knuckle, Fritz!
[Flashheart knocks Blackadder to the ground with his pistol, then puts a foot on Blackadder’s chest.]
Flashheart Aha! How disgusting. A Boche on the sole of my
boot. I shall have to find a patch of grass to wipe it on. Probably
get shunned in the Officers' Mess. Sorry about the pong you fellows,
trod in a Boche and can't get rid of the whiff.[Blackadder rises.]
Blackadder Do you think we could dispense with the hilarious doggy-do metaphor for a moment? I'm not a Boche. This is a British trench.
[Flashheart puts his pistol away.]
Flashheart Is it? Oh, that's a piece of luck. Thought I'd landed on sausage-side! Ha!
[Flashheart picks up the receiver of a field-telephone lying by the dugout entrance.]
Flashheart Mind if I use your phone? If word gets out that I'm missing, five hundred girls will kill themselves. I wouldn't want them on my conscience, not when they ought to be on my face! Huh!
[Flashheart kicks the phone into action.]
Flashheart Hi, Flashheart here. Yeah, cancel the state funeral, tell the King to stop blubbing. Flash is not dead. I simply ran out of juice! Yeah, and before all the girls start saying "Oh, what's the point of living anymore", I'm talking about petrol! Woof, woof! Yeah, I dumped the kite on the proles, so send a car. Er, General Melchett's driver should do. She hangs around with the big nobs, so she'll be used to a fellow like me! Woof, woof!
Blackadder Look, do you think you could make your obscene phone call somewhere else?
[Flashheart is still on the phone and ignores Blackadder.]
Flashheart No, not in half an hour, you rubber-desk johnny. Send the bitch with the wheels right now or I'll fly back to England and give your wife something to hang her towels on.
[Flashheart throws down the receiver.]
Flashheart Okay, dig out your best booze and let's talk about me 'til the car comes. You must be pretty impressed having Squadron Commander the Lord Flashheart drop in on your squalid bit of line.
Blackadder Actually, no. I was more impressed by the contents of my handkerchief the last time I blew my nose.
Flashheart Yeah, like hell. Huh, huh. You've probably got little piccies of me on the walls of your dugout, haven't you?
[Flashheart tickles the front of Blackadder 's trousers.]
Flashheart I bet you go all girly and giggly every time you look at me.
[Flashheart twists Blackadder 's John Thomas. Blackadder (naturally) screams.]
Blackadder I'm afraid not. Unfortunately, most of the infantry think you're a prat. Ask them who they'd prefer to meet: Squadron Commander Flashheart and the man who cleans out the public toilets in Aberdeen, and they'd go for Wee Jock "Poo-Pong" McPlop, every time.
[Flashheart laughs, then belts Blackadder, knocking him to the floor.]
[Flashheart goes into the dugout.]